Return from the field

(written in May 2012, but not published until August!)

So I spent a week in Sierra Leone, and it was wholly unremarkable. I did the things I do on field trips: I met people who know things, I facilitated some workshops, I gave my opinions on a range of things that I'm less informed about than I should be. It was as simple and uneventful as you can imagine. I loved it. At first I was preoccupied trying to keep in touch with home - this was pointless as the internet connection was almost non-existent. And it's not that I didn't miss my family. But early parenthood is such a self-obliterating process, and being in Africa made me feel so completely myself again. It was like the experience of going walking in the mountains after months of not leaving the city: that exhalation of delight as you realise that you have been missing a part of you deeply, without even knowing it. By Saturday, wandering the old town with my colleague and her friends, I felt at ease and confident and just completely myself.

 It took a while for me to work out how to feel this way. At the beginning of the week I was antsy. I wanted to be busy, I wanted to meet as many people and see as many things as I physically could. It took me a few days to remember that I had spent a year and a half longing for time to myself to read a book or write an email (does anybody write letters any more?). Slowly I stopped searching for adventure and remembered to spend time with myself. And inevitably, that's when I met people to spend time with. By the time of my departure on Sunday, I felt relaxed.

Being on a field trip for me can be like going on retreat. It involves chunks of unstructured time without the easy distractions I'm used to. No phone, tv or internet in the hotel room. No friends or cafes to spend stretches of time. I'm forced to read and think and write. It's the best therapy imaginable. I don't have specific stories to tell about my week away, but I wanted to note that it was good.

I got home on Monday afternoon, after 18 hours of travel, dirty and wrecked. Worried that the boys would punish me for leaving them. The last time I went away, they were quite sniffy on my return.

This time, Felix and Max were just getting out of their buggy, they made no comment on my surprise reappearance. They climbed up onto my lap, and sat there together, as though I'd just come back from buying milk. Then they cheerfully started blowing kisses at Alice their childminder. "Bye bye now, we don't need you, mummy's home". Alice left, and we played.